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a Cocoa Contraction 05.21.2009




You've been Warned...


Tortillas for the Taliban... Or, Cool your jets with a Catholic... Or, One virgin to rule them all


By Cocoa
ap/afp International
Mackin' Correspondent May 21, 10:40 AM MST

(ap) - A farmer is just starting his morning routine when he notices a fire in his wheat field not far from the road. He calls for help as he watches the fire begin to spread. Almost immediately after hanging up the phone he spots a car speeding down the old dirt road. At the last turn the car slides over the embankment, jumps a ditch and lands directly on the fire. The doors fly open and out jumps a plethora of Mexicans hooting and hollering as they stomp around smothering the fire with their boots and cowboy hats. In a matter of seconds it�s completely extinguished and the farmer can�t believe his eyes. He walks up to the men and says �That was amazing!� The driver turns around and says �Ehhh, wat?� And the farmer asks �Are you with the fire department?� The driver replies �No senor, I jus need to get de brake fix on me Chevy.�

The farmer represents the perpetual human capacity, the wheat field represents a fruitful Earth, the fire represents Islamic militants, and the Mexicans, well there just Mexicans. On a global level this is not a parable of good vs. bad, but simply a passing of the torch.

The precursor is the evolution of a being impervious to the influence of the aggressor. And what do the Mexicans have up their sleeve? What makes them impervious, you ask? Catholicism! The Tai Kwon Do of religions. It�s easy, not too in-depth, and the leaders possess gold and gilt. Its popularity is therefore media mandated and to tell you the truth it�s marketing genius! Spread that over a society oblivious to sexual restraint, mix in the good book�s multiplicity clause, bake for 30 minutes and Wham-O! You�re giving Mormons a run for their money. And those Mormons are some breed happy bastards!

To get to the root of our current epidemic, let�s travel back a few thousand years and settle in the middle of any given desert, LOTS of HOT sand. Now let�s say that you have absolutely nothing to do, and you are exposed to only one book. This of course will most likely be the book that you bend over for. It�s truly serendipitous how the Koran�s detailed description of the �Promised Paradise� is basically Southern California, verbatim! Try to find one discrepancy, just one, I dare you!

As the internet creeps closer to these barren lands and hints that the said paradise is just a boat ride away, mall sprawl works its way through everywhere else that the sun touches. Finally, mutha fuckas will have something to do! No more National Geographics with pages ripped out because women of the Serengeti roll topless. These outlet malls will inevitably attract American girls, German girls, etc. And eventually these guys will get their world ROCKED! And they�ll immediately lose all interest in the chaste.
Personally, I�m into tall bitches and milfs. They can take a pounding of Klingon proportion. I just don�t see the appeal with purity. For example, when you go down on a virgin, she will not automatically reciprocate. You gotta play coach. �Grip it tighter�, �No teeth�, �Work the tongue�, �Look up at me�, �Stop crying�, etc.

I�m cool with that occasionally but NOTHING beats a good old fashioned naughty bitch. I mean a BAD girl! Were talking FILTHY. A virgin will never slap you in the face and scream �Fuck my little ass!� She has no clue how to work the nut sack. She has to be TOLD to arch her back. A virgin would never bite a hole in a pillow, well at least not with the same vigor.

Seriously! Virgins? Obviously this stuff was written by someone delusional from being stuck in the middle of fuckin NOWHERE!

So there you have it, they now have a choice�gamble on a promise that holds no water�or come and get some of that freaky stuff. So-Cal even has couches and fountains of wine and shit like that. Whatever floats your boat. It�s no secret, it�s all here for the taking. At this very moment your chances of being directly involved in a terrorist attack are about the same as winning Powerball. Your chances of having empty Dos Equis cans thrown over the fence into your back yard, about 1 in 15. So fret not my friends, martyrs are a dying breed, HA�HA���ha. Enter the unchecked population of a Latin persuasion. Feel free to fret my friends.

ap/afp International Mackin' Correspondent



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