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a Cocoa Contraction� 05.21.2009
You've been Warned...
Tortillas for the Taliban... Or, Cool your jets with a Catholic... Or, One virgin to rule them all
By
Cocoa
ap/afp
International
Mackin' Correspondent
May 21,
10:40 AM MST
(ap) - A
farmer is just starting his morning routine when he notices a fire in his wheat
field not far from the road. He calls for help as he watches the fire begin to
spread. Almost immediately after hanging up the phone he spots a car speeding
down the old dirt road. At the last turn the car slides over the embankment,
jumps a ditch and lands directly on the fire. The doors fly open and out jumps a
plethora of Mexicans hooting and hollering as they stomp around smothering the
fire with their boots and cowboy hats. In a matter of seconds it�s completely
extinguished and the farmer can�t believe his eyes. He walks up to the men and
says �That was amazing!� The driver turns around and says �Ehhh, wat?� And the
farmer asks �Are you with the fire department?� The driver replies �No senor, I
jus need to get de brake fix on me Chevy.�
The farmer represents the perpetual human capacity, the wheat field represents a
fruitful Earth, the fire represents Islamic militants, and the Mexicans, well
there just Mexicans. On a global level this is not a parable of good vs. bad,
but simply a passing of the torch.
The precursor is the evolution of a being impervious to the influence of the
aggressor. And what do the Mexicans have up their sleeve? What makes them
impervious, you ask? Catholicism! The Tai Kwon Do of religions. It�s easy, not
too in-depth, and the leaders possess gold and gilt. Its popularity is therefore
media mandated and to tell you the truth it�s marketing genius! Spread that over
a society oblivious to sexual restraint, mix in the good book�s multiplicity
clause, bake for 30 minutes and Wham-O! You�re giving Mormons a run for their
money. And those Mormons are some breed happy bastards!
To get to the root of our current epidemic, let�s travel back a few thousand
years and settle in the middle of any given desert, LOTS of HOT sand. Now let�s
say that you have absolutely nothing to do, and you are exposed to only one
book. This of course will most likely be the book that you bend over for. It�s
truly serendipitous how the Koran�s detailed description of the �Promised
Paradise� is basically Southern California, verbatim! Try to find one
discrepancy, just one, I dare you!
As the internet creeps closer to these barren lands and hints that the said
paradise is just a boat ride away, mall sprawl works its way through everywhere
else that the sun touches. Finally, mutha fuckas will have something to do! No
more National Geographics with pages ripped out because women of the Serengeti
roll topless. These outlet malls will inevitably attract American girls, German
girls, etc. And eventually these guys will get their world ROCKED! And they�ll
immediately lose all interest in the chaste.
Personally, I�m into tall bitches and milfs. They can take a pounding of Klingon
proportion. I just don�t see the appeal with purity. For example, when you go
down on a virgin, she will not automatically reciprocate. You gotta play coach.
�Grip it tighter�, �No teeth�, �Work the tongue�, �Look up at me�, �Stop
crying�, etc.
I�m cool with that occasionally but NOTHING beats a good old fashioned naughty
bitch. I mean a BAD girl! Were talking FILTHY. A virgin will never slap you in
the face and scream �Fuck my little ass!� She has no clue how to work the nut
sack. She has to be TOLD to arch her back. A virgin would never bite a hole in a
pillow, well at least not with the same vigor.
Seriously! Virgins? Obviously this stuff was written by someone delusional from
being stuck in the middle of fuckin NOWHERE!
So there you have it, they now have a choice�gamble on a promise that holds no
water�or come and get some of that freaky stuff. So-Cal even has couches and
fountains of wine and shit like that. Whatever floats your boat. It�s no secret,
it�s all here for the taking. At this very moment your chances of being directly
involved in a terrorist attack are about the same as winning Powerball. Your
chances of having empty Dos Equis cans thrown over the fence into your back
yard, about 1 in 15. So fret not my friends, martyrs are a dying breed,
HA�HA���ha. Enter the unchecked population of a Latin persuasion. Feel free to
fret my friends.
~Cocoa
ap/afp International Mackin' Correspondent
~ Have an Opinion?... Then e-mail me @ Contact the ap and Sound off like ya got a Pair!
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